Pathology in medicine refers to an unhealthy state. Pathology with utility implies that if you place a person with dysfunctional tendencies in the right circumstances, they can accomplish useful things. Experience has served to reinforce my belief that many of us have some type of pathology with utility.
One example is how my tendency to want to exert control over chaos manifests in my profession. I work in an emergency department, where chaos can mean someone very sick walks in the door and requires my immediate attention. Lots of people freak out when that happens.
Thanks to a combination of training and innate disposition, I find something satisfying about walking into the room and establishing order. When I bring the calm, other team members feel it and we go from crisis to problem-solving mode.
On a personal level, when I was single and living on my own, this desire to control chaos was channeled into a desire to eat healthfully. This led me to keep certain foods out of my home. In high school, I’d been known to devour an entire package of cookies or a whole loaf of bread in a single sitting. I knew my adult metabolism would not allow me to eat so recklessly. As a result, I brought very limited bread and no desserts into my apartment. Making it necessary for me to leave the house to enjoy ice cream was a deliberate attempt to eat it less often.
This trait that has served me well in medical emergencies and as a bachelor has been less helpful with my family.
Since COVID hit, we’ve been eating exclusively home cooked meals. My daughter has always had an interest in cooking, and she’s learned to make some delicious foods for our family.
Any normal person would be appreciative of such a thoughtful and loving contribution from a family member. Most of the time I try to be as well, but occasionally I forget and go into my mode of wanting to control things.
Cooking is messy business, and I start trying to control how much mess she makes while cooking.
She likes to make chocolate chip cookies and banana bread – precisely the type of foods that I kept out of my house when I was living alone and shopping only for myself. This makes me nervous that I’ll eat less healthfully than I’d like to. Sometimes I try to stop her from making these foods.
I’m trying to reframe how I perceive the situation so I can approach it from a place of gratitude. I can’t control other people, but I can control my own reactions.
Instead of seeing her baking things that go against my choices, I try to understand that she is showing her love for our family by sharing something to make us happy.
Cooking is messy, but if all of us clean up together it doesn’t have to take as long or feel as lousy. And the reward is that most members of the family are much happier enjoying her cooking. When my family is happy, it makes me happier, too.
My daughter taught me an important lesson the last time we had a conflict. When I suggested she stop making cookies because they were too tempting to me, she replied, “You are a disciplined person. Why don’t you just stop eating them?“
She was completely right, and I’ve done just that.
Now, instead of trying to control my environment, I’m learning to control my reactions. This is a lesson that perhaps we can all apply when it comes to something as beyond our control as COVID.